Cracks

A couple of months ago I heard another missionary say, “Someone told me when I first got here, that on the mission field your cracks become chasms. The things that you struggled with at home, during ‘normal’ life, suddenly become completely blown out of proportion… instead of just disappearing, like we’d prefer.” I mean, I’m a MISSIONARY, for heaven’s sake. That’s spelled “p-e-r-f-e-c-t-c-h-r-i-s-t-i-a-n,” right?

I didn’t consciously think this, but I now realize that my thought process on some level before I came was, “I said ‘yes’ to His call. God will honor that. When I step off the plane in Costa Rica, I will be a new me! A better me! One with fewer faults, less idiosyncrasies, a greater love for all that is holy, and a greater disdain for any distraction that takes my affections away from God.”

Guess who had the audacity to step with me onto the plane in Maine, and off the plane in Costa Rica? ME!

In the short flight from the US to my mission field, I had not turned into Mother Theresa OR Amy Carmichael. 

Devastating.

And not only was I the same Lindsay… I was suddenly thrown into community living after ten years of having my own precious  and wonderfully private apartment. So all those cracks that were becoming chasms, were splitting right in front of a daily audience.

Painful.

Awkward.

Life.

After about a month of being here, I realized that even though I had never even really thought these words, much less spoken them out loud to God or a person, there were little seeds of “I’m here. In Costa Rica. What more do You want from me?” starting to grow in my head and heart.

Saying “yes” to Him is not a one-time gig. I know this! But I’m really finding it out now. It’s a daily, hourly, minutely choice to say “Not my will, but Yours be done.”  When Mom was here, we talked a lot about 1 Corinthians 15:31 “I die daily.” Death looks so different in each one of our every-day lives. But it’s not at all comfortable. It still hurts.

Which brings me to John 12:24. “… Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.”

The last few weeks before I moved here were incredibly painful. The sorting, the packing and the goodbyes. It was heart-wrenching and scary. I was telling one of my closest friends about this, and he had just written a song… about John 12:24. And he reminded me - THE DEATH IS NOT POINTLESS. The pain isn’t without a purpose.

Little seed in my hand--

Symbol of hope and what is planned,

You hold the future in a single grain,

Tomorrow's harvest, tomorrow's gain.

Unless that seed falls to the earth,

Unless it dies to its own worth,

It has no life, it bears no fruit,

It cannot feed a multitude,

It dwells alone with little worth,

But if it dies it fills the earth.

Just one life I have to live

Teach me to yield, teach me to give;

Hopes, desires swirl all around,

Only in losing can life be found.

So let this life fall to the earth,

Let it die to its own worth,

That it may grow and bear much fruit,

And may it feed a multitude;

Beneath Your feet deep in the ground

Let this life die and there be found.

The seed may break, the seed may fall,

And it may suffer in letting go;

But in its breaking some may be healed,

And in its death new life will be revealed.

So let this life fall to the earth,

Let it die to its own worth,

That it may grow and bear much fruit,

And may it feed a multitude;

Beneath Your feet deep in the ground

Let this life die and there be found.

-Craig Sandford

The death, the cracks, the chasms … NONE of it is pointless if it’s done out of a “yes” to Him. Because without all three of those, the grain of wheat wouldn’t be growing. And without growth, it wouldn’t do any good. The wheat wouldn’t become what it’s entire purpose in life is… to bring life to hungry people.