Stars

Besides family and friends, the thing I've discovered I miss the most here in Los Anonos, is seeing the stars.

 

Growing up on Chestnut Hill, the stars were a constant. Being that far out in the country, with no light pollution, going outside at night was like walking into a very low-ceilinged planetarium. As if, being granted longer arms, I could touch thousands of them. Between the years I spent there as a little girl, sitting on the roof over our front door, and the ten where I lived in my own apartment there, I have no idea how many thousands of nights I spent outside, staring up at the stars.

 

There were times that I'd look up and feel at peace, because if God could put all those in place, He certainly had my little life under control. And then there were times when I had a hard time seeing the stars, because I had too many tears in my eyes. I remember looking up and saying, "God - just let me know You're there," and having the words of a song by Carolyn Arends come rushing at me... "I was wishing You would write to me a message in the stars, as if the stars themselves were not enough."

 

Stars. They were always there. And they were a special thing between my Jesus and me.

 

Before I moved down, I called Julie in a panic. "Can you see the stars in Anonos??" "Not really," was her reply. And it's true. In Anonos, where it is loud and bright all the time, it's almost impossible to see the stars. I've gone out at night, desperate to catch a glimpse of a starry sky that would feel like home, and counted four stars... and a plane.

 

On our trip to Nicaragua, I was in a really intense conversation with a friend about deep pain, how we can really KNOW that God loves us, and how fully vested He is in our every day lives. I was mid-sentence, when I realized that as we had been talking, it had gotten dark. My eyes shot upward, and there they were.

 

Sparkling. Beautiful. Familiar.

 

The tears starting streaming down my face, as I said, "THIS is how I know that God loves me. I have missed stars SO much, and as we sit here discussing where He is in painful life experiences, He shows up. In the stars."

 

The next night we pulled chairs out, and just at for over an hour feasting on the stars. And that's when God decided to send me back to Anonos with a full love tank, as He sent a huge shooting star full-length across the sky.

 

The next part of that song by Carolyn?

 

"There You are - loving me like crazy
There You are - though I am unaware
There You are - when my heart is doubting
Even there You are."