If A Day...

... is like one thousand years with Jesus, then she's going on 4,748,000 years...

I wrote the following three years ago, on this anniversary.



Glancing Back While Facing Forward

On that day, as a crumpled heap of sorrow on the floor, I didn't think my shattered heart would make it to the next day... much less ten years.

And yet, here I stand, on a day when I allow myself to look back as well as forward.

The stages of grief that I was so clueless about, but had to experience... ready or not... have formed me into who I am today.

What was unimaginable has become a part of the tapestry that is my life.

The raw pain, wrenching sobs, and throwing up that turned to bittersweet tenderness when her name dances across my mind
The weird guilt of "am I even allowed to hurt this badly if she was just my friend, not my sister?" that turned to "I loved her - that is enough to warrant sorrow"
The solace found in lyrics and poems that turned into precious gems that I carry in my heart
The angry glares at the stars that turned into understanding glances as I speak words I want only her to hear
The ready tears as each new memory surfaced that turned to secret smiles as the years have made them worn out and indescribably dear
The panic as I began to forget little things about her that turned to joy when I remembered new ones
The purple balloons released on each birthday that turn into spots of soaring happiness as they get further from me and closer to her
The refuge found in the arms of someone who whispered "I know" that turned into my arms holding others and my mouth whispering comfort

It still sometimes makes me sick to my stomach when I am reminded that we wont have any new memories until Heaven.
Or when I see a picture of her when I'm not expecting it.
Or hear a story that I hadn't remembered... that isn't safely in my mind's box of "I have mulled these over for enough years that they are now sweet and not painful."

I tend to think "I owe a lot to you, Mindy Dawn," and then I realize that while I do owe you a lot, I owe so much more to the One who has faithfully guided me on this journey... the One who has allowed me to learn of ridiculously powerful emotions through losing you. The One who you are currently adoring face to face.

And so I'm quiet on this day... remembering... loving... and praying for those who miss you so deeply.

Taking some consolation in the fact that perhaps these beautiful words by Antoine de Saint-Exupery were penned especially for us:

"You – you alone – will have the stars as no one else has them.
In one of the stars I shall be living.
In one of them I shall be laughing.
And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night…
You — only you — will have stars that can laugh!”