Lessons

How can I describe this great adventure that I've been allowed to experience?

Ridiculously exhilarating.

Yet painful.

A heart full of gratitude.

Awed at what has transpired.

One year ago, I said goodbyes that left me winded and dry-heaving.

And those goodbyes allowed room for hellos that have made my life more complete.

I have admired scenery that was so beautiful it hurt physically to look at it.

And I have seen brokenness that was so violent it took my breath away.

I have experienced the highs of immediately answered prayers.

And I have fought the doubts of "why not this time, God?"

I have witnessed hearts transformed by His love, and bodies healed by His stripes.

And I have watched, helpless, as others have turned from new-found freedom back to bondage.

And I have learned that sometimes I don't recognize Jesus when He shows up on my doorstep.

Like the time that He rang our doorbell... and I was pissed, because I had just made lunch and it was going to get cold.

But as I walked down the front stairs, I was confronted with two little girls, asking for a haircut - - needing every curl cut off of their beautiful heads, because of the lice that had overtaken their hair.

And how it took me weeks to forgive myself for my initial attitude, even though He forgave me the minute I asked.

I have learned how to make tortillas, and grown to love eating rice and beans. 

I have tasted fresh watermelon and mangoes that make me know that I'll be forever discontent with any fruit that makes it way to a NH grocery store. 

And I've eaten the most anemic apples that make me long for Fall in New England.

I have wasted valuable opportunities sitting in my bedroom because of fear.

And I have known the rush of jumping outside of my comfort zone.

And I have learned that it is possible to crave the familiar, while falling in love with the different.

I cannot get my fill of watching the sunset over the Pacific, and when at the beach have become obsessed with capturing each magical evening on film.

I have seen faces that are the epitome of hopelessness.

And I have knelt to accept the very embodiment of joy, as they run through the streets into my arms.

I have learned that it is possible to be friends of the heart, even when each conversation is peppered with, "Wait. What? One more time. I don't get what you're saying."

I have learned the joy of worshiping in another language, and the heart content of switching back to my own. 

I have learned the art of accepting loneliness. 

That it is painful.

But if it is fought, it comes back. Stronger. More aggressive.

To lie on my bed and let it wash over me.

And then to sit up, stronger for having accepted.

I have learned that Jesus doesn't see, "I'm here - what more do you want from me?" as a rhetorical question. 

But the most important lesson I have learned during this year. 

The one that brings my heart to it's knees, in gratitude.

I have learned that the words I say to others...

"You are valuable.

You are full of worth.

You are beautiful.

You are His."

I have learned to say those things to my own reflection in the mirror.

To claim the promises that Jesus says about me.

My identity - who I am in Him.

The fact that I am a precious and beloved daughter of God, made perfectly in His image, has finally made the journey from my head to my heart.

I have learned that sometimes all I can do is get on my knees, lift my hands, and say the only words that the English language came up with for gratitude... a small "Thank You, Jesus," that feels so much smaller as I think about the magnitude of the gift that He has given to me of this year in Los Anonos.

Happy Anniversary, Costa Rica.

Thank you for offering the gift of your people, your culture, your beauty and your language to this Gringa.

Love you so much it hurts.